Pain and Loss
by RedKatOfDoom
Summary: All there was left to do was watch. He couldn't do it anymore. Rated M for suicide and swears ;o I do not own Hetalia orrrr the song s  that I use.
1. Loss

"_**I was unable to deal with the pain"**_

Matthew sat upon the balcony, listening to his music and watching people as they strolled by. Some laughed with others; business men strolled by with stern looks upon their faces; moms frantically about hoping that they wouldn't miss an important meeting or event. This was a normal situation for the Canadian, like really, who would care that the meek boy was watching them, no one noticed him anyways. The boy sighed as a new song came flooding into his ears. "_I took a pistol from the closet, I loaded a round, opened my mouth, Closed my mouth, said goodbye, and 'click'." _Hurt had become one of his favorite bandssince he had stumbled across them on youtube, after trying to find another band, whom he forgotten the name of. Taking a drink from his cup, he held the hot liquid in his mouth, letting it burn his tongue. He swallowed sharply when he heard a loud bang from below him.

"_**The weight of the world was amusing to some."**_

Alfred had slammed the door behind him when he walked out of the house. Putting one arm pointing towards the sky and one on his hip, "The hero will go to this party that you have strung up Igg!" he yelled into the sky. He then ran down the street, yelling something about McDonalds, and having to eat his heart out before being forced to eat Arthur's cooking.

"_**No one ever really could love me"**_

Another sigh escaped Matthew's lips. Another day, another party that everybody forgot to invite him to. It's not like this was a sudden occurrence, this happened all his life. This was his life. Ignored by the people who he thought had loved him, he was even ignored by his snow white polar bear, Kumojiko, was it? He tilted his head down, letting his hair fall in front of his face. "No one even knows who I am." Tears had started to well in his eyes and fall down his cheeks. "No one would even care if I'm gone," he muttered under his breath. Lifting up his sleeves, he took a long look at the purple, red, and faded scars on his arms. "I'm pathetic," he whispered letting his tears fall onto his arms, making them glisten. "What's a life when no one cares enough to know you, not even your brother whom you live with?" the boy thought to himself. Looking towards the sky, Matthew ran his fingers through his hair. Letting out another sigh, he gulped down his now warm drink and trudged back into his room.

"_**No one ever would."**_

Matthew grabbed the nearest knife he could find, which was Alfred's butterfly knife, and flicked it open. He slammed open the bathroom door and walked in. He couldn't help but stare into the mirror at himself. "_My, aren't you just the cry baby," _his reflection laughed, mocking him. In a fit of rage, Matthew smashed his fist into the mirror, sending shards past his face and onto the floor. "_And the shame of this will haunt me...Then I made my choice to," _rolled into his ears from his headphones. Choking up, Matthew removed his dark red jersey hoodie, and put the blade up to his chest. Slowly, shallow bloody wounds opened up on his chest in the words of "I'm here." Flinching as he made the last cut on his chest, Matthew brought the blade to his wrist. Quickly, he created a gash along the pale skin. Watching the red ooze out of his wound, he smiled and made the copy on his other wrist. Falling to his knees, the boy felt the shards of glass enter his skin. Yelping, he fell back and slouched against the wall. "Alfred will have to find me, it's his blade after all," Matthew thought as his vision of the bathroom blurred frantically. He slumped his shoulders forward and lowered his head.

"_**I took a pistol from the closet, Loaded a round, opened my mouth , closed my eyes, said "goodbye" and 'CLICK'."**_


	2. Writer's block D

Hi there readers. I am the one and only RedKatOfDoom. Recently I had put this story up, intending it to be a one shot. Oblivious to this fact, it turns out I left it as a cliff hanger ¯\(ºдಠ)/¯. Which to this, I have no idea what to write next. I was thinking about having Alfred come back and find him and turn it into a USCan, but then I thought, I love Gilbert so maybe I should have him find Matt. But recently I've been reading RusCan and the damned thought it me maybe Ivan should find him. GOD DANGIT. If you guys tell me which one you like better there will possibly be more chapters starting Tuesday because that's when this one doesn't work ;o. Sadly, I do have a life outside kinda. Sorta. No. lol only work and my making of my Prussia costume. ANYWAYS tell me in the reviews. It's not that hard to click a button and type something to me. If I don't break my writer's block on this, I may just discontinue this story D;, which I don't want happening because I actually like this. Sooo

Click this

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	3. I'm So Sorry

Sorry, this chapter will not involve lyrics breaking up the story lol. I reread the first chapter and kinda found that irritating. To come to the conclusion, how Matt found the band Hurt is the exact same way I found it but after I found the band I was looking for ;o. It made me laugh after I found out the fact that New Prussia is in Canada,(other words Canada is more awesome), so Gilbert will be in this story. But now,

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Gilbert had only been in Ontario for a few weeks, after settling in his new home by the great lakes. It was a quaint little farm land, Matthew had let him use for the sake of not being harassed by the former nation. Sure, Gil had "forced" in other words, Matt to give him that land but all his awesome self wanted was to be near the silent nation. Matt was his vogel, always jumping about, or aboot. Gilbert inwardly chuckled at this stereotypically Canadian word. Stretching out in his purple clad bed, the white haired boy turned over and cocooned himself in his blankets before his alarm clock went off. *SLAM* "BRUDER AUS DEM BETT HEUTE! (brother, out of bed now)" his brother yelled from the bottom of the stairs as the boy fell off his bed. Struggling out of the blankets, Gil stood up and stretched again before walking over to the copper colored bird cage which held a small, fat canary. Opening the cage, yellow soon blended with the silvery white of the boy's hair. Chuckling softly as the bird chirped happily, he threw on some black skinny pants, a dark purple shirt and a black leather jacket with the Prussian eagle on the back. Smirking at himself in the mirror, he opened the door and walked downstairs.

It took the boys around a half hour to get to the school. Normally it would have taken only a few minutes, but they had pulled over numerous times, because they were fighting about who was suppost to drive. Gil walked up to doors and pushed both of them open, exclaiming that "The awesome Prussia has arrived, losers" *his words not mine*Looking around for the one boy that would put a twinkle in his red eyes, his smirk fell slightly. 'why isn't he here? Where would he be?' Gil thought not finding Mattie anywhere. Mattie was always at school, it's not like he was his brother, more likely to fill his fat ass with Mcdonalds than to actually learn something worth while. For Christ's sake, they mostly had classes that were filled with the insufferable American brat's history, and he still wasn't there to gloat how cool America is. The german boy looked into the classroom, not seeing either countries sitting there. Sure it wasn't common for Alfred, but it worried the boy that Mattie wasn't there. "Ficken (fuck)," he muttered under his mouth. Turning around to see his brother standing behind him. "Gehen Sie innen?(going inside?)" the blue eyed blonde asked his brother. "nicht(no)" he replied back moving out of the way to let the younger inside. As the blonde walked in, he was oblivious that the older had successfully grabbed the keys out of his coat pocket. Snickering about how awesome he was about everything, he threw open the doors and walked over to the car.

It took awhile to find the Canadian's house, but after a few drives around the block he came to a stop in front of a bungalow, after seeing Alfred run out and down the street screaming about Mcdonalds. "Fucking fatass" Gil said out loud to no one while stepping out of the car. Looking up at the house, he watched as a door close on the balcony. He knew Alfred had lived with the meek boy he was currently looking for, and has forgotten him plenty of times, so Gil knew that the door closure was from Mattie. He strolled upto the house and banged on the door. "Vogel! Ja, Open up! I know you're in there" The white haired boy didn't give the slightest hell that he was being gocked at like he was a insane maniac. He slammed his body against the door, busting the lock in one go. Gil quickly walked inside where he came across an partially empty mug and a slightly red kuma on the floor. Panicking, the boy looked about the house frantically opening up each and every door until he came across a door with a glass ridden floor. Opening the door, he dropped to his knees, not caring about the glass digging into his pants and knees. He fell down, placing his one hand on the bloody floor and one on his mouth, struggling to hold back tears.

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Kesesese, I didn't know how to write this in Gil's awesome ego tone, but I tried. Oh by the way, I suck ass at writing, or just English in general even though I am "English". Maybe I'll have a snapped Gil next chapter, I haven't figured it out but I had to stop writing because I have to clean lol and get ready for work tomorrow. If I have time, I'll try to add another chapter but you guys have to review. It's quite sad when I look for a angsty story to read and my story is surrounded by like a bazillion reviews on the stories above and below it. I wasn't going to write this chapter but now that I have there's probably only going to be one or two depending on how I feel, chapters left.


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